Below are the steps for Assignment 1.
Think of a recent event and run through the following steps.
1. Notice the negative feeling you are having.
2. Notice the meaning that is producing the feeling.
3. Distinguish between the meaning and the events.
4. Notice how the feeling has changed.
5. Post your results of this exercise whether you think it was successful or not below.
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The constant unpleasant feeling I had on a day to day basis and didn't even know was there is gone. I've been dealing with problems during the course and finding solutions for them much faster. And, more important, the course is designed in a way that, if you follow all of Morty's instructions and do all the assignments as they are given, you won't need a technique in the end, this will just be the new way you go through life, being present and aware of reality and dealing with what happens in a much more effective way.
Thank you Morty!
—Mario Califfa
Shelly,
I used to feel afraid about so many things and would procrastinate endlessly. Since doing the Lefkoe Freedom Course I am so much calmer and can handle my tasks without attaching any conditions about my self worth to them.
Neelima
Pune, India
I feel so very grateful to Morty and Shelly for creating the Lefkoe Freedom Course. It has allowed me to free myself of the negative feelings that may come from the inner dialogue in my mind. It has helped me to understand that I am the Creator of my world by the meaning I give to the events that happen around me. The course has provided me with very practical tools and techniques to deal with life on a daily basis, especially my interactions with other people. It truly has been an amazing blessing for my life!
Eleanor Ng
Kirkland Lake, Ontario, Canada
Event: A kitchen remodeling that took 4 months.
1. I was feeling frustrated, resentful to my husband, out of place in my own home, and blaming him for all those feelings.
2. The meaning is that my husband doesn’t care about what I think, he doesn’t love me that much, he cares only about himself and his goals, everything is more important than our relationship.
3. Actually, I realized I gave those meanings to this event, but there could be many others. So I started brainstorming and came up with other possible meanings like: He needs to prove that he can handle a difficult project, he doesn’t want a professional installer to see his mistakes during his installation, he actually told me that I was right at different moments, so he cares about what I think. He was also frustrated, so it wasn’t just me. He put a lot of work to make sure we could use the kitchen at least partially during these months, so he cared about how I felt. Most of all, I realized that even though he made some bad decisions, they were not really related to me, but to his own way of thinking.
4. My loving feelings for him came back, I don’t resent him anymore.
5. The results transformed my relationship 180 degrees. I love my husband with his imperfections and weaknesses because he is a wonderful man overall, and constantly shows me he loves me. So why doubt about his love for me because of a single event? It doesn’t make sense! It was a total success! 🙂
recent event : shouting at mom with anger
meaning is : mom does not listen to me
negative feeling was my anger towards her
after distinction i dont feel anger about the same situation
it was successful
Event:
A guy sent “good morning” to my girlfriend.
Feeling:
I feel sad, jealous, and angry at both of them.
Occurring:
She is cheating on me. She doesn’t love me. That guy is also trying to flirt with my girlfriend. He is trying to be superior than me.
Interpretations:
* She didn’t ask that guy to send her messages. She didn’t try to cheat. That guy probably didn’t know about me.
* She sent messages back for politeness. She didn’t like that guy or were trying to cheat.
* She had no idea that having a conversation to that guy would cause me to feel angry.
* That guy is probably her homosexual friend.
* Just because they have a conversation doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me.
* Maybe she talk to a lot of guys and the one that she chose to meet was only me. She felt strong on me more than others.
I still have resistance towards other interpretations. It’s like they do not explain the situation as best as my own occurring.
It made me feel a little bit better but not much at all.
This doesn’t work maybe it needs a lot of practice.
Results of using this method
I feel better. I feel more aware that my feelings are directly linked to my thoughts, the meaning I am giving to things, and since I create my thoughts, incidentally quite often erroneous thoughts, I can also create believable alternative thoughts that frankly are much more logical than the ones that cause me discomfort. And my negative feelings diminish. I think I need to keep practicing though.
Mim,
Thank you for doing this exercise and posting it. And you are right, you will continue to get results the more you practice.
Event: Not wanting to call my brother even though I think I should.
1. I’m very resistant to calling. I feel sad, I feel uneasy.
2. Meaning: he’ll be dependant on me, I’ll feel responsible for helping him feel better, it’s too much! I don’t want that responsibility. If I get too close he’ll bring his troubles into my life and I don’t want that.
3. I’ve given meaning to this situation. Naturally people feel sad over a loss but feeling responsible to fix another persons problems is not natural. Compassion is a good quality but I’ve somehow decided that it’s my job to fix my brother and make him feel happy. Since I don’t want that job and because I love him and don’t want to see him hurt or lost, I avoid contact to spare my feelings.
The meaning I’ve given to calling my brother is that it’s my job to make him better and that meaning causes me anxiety and sadness. If I didn’t give this meaning, that I’m responsible to fix my brothers feeslings, then I would probably call him and see how he’s doing.
4. I still feel a little sad for him. I know he is taking the loss hard and doesn’t really have the coping skills or life situation to deal well with it. But it’s really not my job to make him ok. I wish I could because I love him but I don’t have that kind of power. Calling him and asking him how he’s doing doesn’t make me responsible to make him ok. And while I’m not responsible for making him feel better just calling and letting him know I care will probably actually help him.
5. It helped me to see why I’m hesitating to call my brother and now I feel like I can call him even though I don’t have any solution for him. I feel like I can just call, tell him I love him, hope he’s doing ok, and I’m thinking about him. And I feel better ☺
@Neil: is just a matter of perspective and attachments.
You’re attached to your children because you consider they’re yours, when in reality that is just an idea in your mind.
As well you feel guilty because you didn’t spend much time with them and thus you consider yourself the main reason why you lost them.
There is factual reality that you didn’t spend much time with your children, but don’t transform it in an emotional issue.
In the new perspective, you want to restart your life because you long to have a family … why do you long for that?
Because you feel incomplete and thus a family, in your opinion, will fulfill you, which is completely false.
You just want a need of yours to be fulfilled.
If you want to be true to yourself, identify the need (the need for feeling loved maybe) and feel it until it dissolves (that may require time and commitment, but eventually will dissolve).
Only after the need is dissolved, you can really chose to get involved in a new family. Until then, it is the need inside you that makes the choices, not you.
I’d suggest you do some practical meditation (see if you find a vipassana course near you, and take a 10 days course if time allows it). After that you’ll see world with different eyes.
I am divorced. My ex-wife and children resides in America and I am currently living in another country in South America. I haven’t been able to be as active in my children’s lives because of the distance between us. I long to have a family. I met a beautiful woman who has children. When I think of getting more serious with her, I hear myself saying thinking that I am would be a ‘father’ to children who aren’t mine while my children are without me in their lives. The thought would make me feel like I am not a good father or a good man. When I begin to distinguish between the event of us living apart from each other and the meaning I give to it, I realize that I am was carrying the guilt of not being there to have the quality time. However, it is separate from my decision to restart my life the way I see fit. I have to deal with the fact that I must do something in order to spend more time with my children but that has nothing to do with my decision to start a new family. As i was thinking this through, I notice that my heart was beating faster than normal at first and then it began to regulate and I felt at peace with my new perspective.
Thank you for this. This is huge for me.
1. Notice the negative feeling you are having.
A negative feeling I have is that I am not good enough for a number of reasons, mostly because I am very overweight. Thought my boyfriend pulled away because he was not attractive to me because I am fat.
2. Notice the meaning that is producing the feeling.
The feeling is I am not good enough. I cant go out and be with others because I am too overweight.
3. Distinguish between the meaning and the events.
There was more to our break-up than just my weight. I was not in the right frame of mind and pushed him away.
4. Notice how the feeling has changed.
He did love me and wanted to help me but I was not in a good place.
5. Post your results of this exercise whether you think it was successful or not below.
My weight does not define me.
I am divorced and feel that I was kicked out of my house and forced to work extra hard to pay child support for my 2 boys I blame my ex for my misery. I am angry and defensive. As I follow these steps I see that perhaps the divorce wasn’t designed to anger me. She could have been going through a multitude of feelings that lead her to this action. Although, I am far from totally relieving the anger in my mind, I did feel relief by applying these steps and feeling a bit of ease in my mind.
When I talk to a family member,she makes me feel stupid, because she constantly disagrees with me. She is definitely smarter than I, so I don’t enjoy discussions with her. This has been going on for a long time and is a very hard habit to change, but I am trying.
Sorry I did not put down how I felt after doing this exercise. I felt relieved and know I have an actionable plan for work today.
Event:
There were two large orders that were held up by my boss which created a bad situation. The sales team was angry that the order was held up and my boss was mad at me because he was blindside by the order which needed a business case. I was receiving anger from both directions and then got angry at myself.
Occuring:
I felt as though I didn’t know my job and my boss didn’t trust me.
Interpretation:
– The order approval process was not know clearly by me nor the sales team.
– My boss had an expectation without understanding I did not fully understand the process.
– Once the process is clearly explained to all parties there will be no further misunderstandings nor anger.
I have had anxiety about a job change at work. I’ve felt inadequate and stressed out. Using this technique, I can see that it’s not me that’s inadequate, i just haven’t had all the training I need yet. I’m still learning the new job, and with each thing I learn I am better able to do my job.
Thank you, for this wonderful tool! 🙂 I’d love the chance to learn more and make this a permanent part of my life.
anger over being misunderstood
they are stupid, they dont understand me
maybe they have their own problems
maybe it hasnt been explained properly
anger subsides, pretty fast
marvelous
yes very successful
1. Event:
Neighbors making noise, making having steps on the floor
Feelings: Anger and irritation
2. Occurring:” They are inconsiderate idiots”
3. Other interpretations:
– Making noise may be their way of living, it does not mean they are idiots
– They might be brought up in a home where there was much noise and what is noise for me may be peace for them
– They might not even know they are bothering me, and if they knew they might be quieter.
– They might be inconsiderate idiots, that does not mean that I should care.
4. Now when I imagine the event, that they are making noise and I see this event separate from
the occurring, I don’t feel irritated or angered anymore!
5. The anger is gone!
1. Client decided to use someone else for an assignment.
2. Rejection by client. My work isn’t good enough or valuable. Not reliable client. I won’t work for them again. I have a hard time getting clients.
3. Cheaper competitor. Client has very little money.
4. It’s not me, it’s the client.
5. I should focus on clients with money. i will.
1. Angry my dad told a neighbour about a personal situation I shared with him in confidence.
2. Disrespect. Trying to humiliate me.
3. He’s lonely and likes to chat with neighbours; He has no filters; Has nothing to do with me personally, he just likes to talk to anyone who will listen
4. Anger is gone. Laughing actually. I can see and sense the separateness of the thought and the event
5. This is great. I made a better decision about how to deal with this. This method will defuse confrontation for sure. Thank you
1. I went to a grievance committee to see how the union may help me work with deciding to resign or be terminated from my job. The feeling I had was neutral, I did not judge it. Since the exercise needs a feeling, I would say it made me feel uncomfortable that I was not being supported.
2. The meaning my mind gave to this event was: the members of the committee do not care about me, they have their own agenda.
3. Here are other ways I can see the event: 1. They have my best interest to resign and not have it affect my record, 2. They gave a number of helpful choices to explore if I go for a new job, 3. They still think I can teach, but not in the district I am currently working in.
4. When I separate my feeling from the event, I feel comfortable with their advice. They are looking out for my best interest.
5. There is no longer any negative feelings! The method was successful!! 🙂
I feel sad because of the gossips of my daughter. The meaning that It provoques is that I am not good enough. I am not good enough because of her interpretation and state of mind , she would have done it to anyone else. I see that her thoughts are not a reflection of my reality . I am free to be myself and to persue my spiritual growth. I am not define by her by being her prisoner. I am grateful for this exercise it has given me hope and joy.
I did the process on a subject that keeps stressing me: marketing! (for instance, to promote a workshop)
I felt the resistance that goes along with it and the knot in my stomach.
Then I was able to see/hear the monolog that produces such feelings such as.. I’m not good at marketing
I was able to see that I’ve never really learned marketing and improvised as a result and noticed it was
a conclusion I made (I’m not good at marketing).
I can see that with another interpretation, the feeling is completely different
Very interesting process
Was getting very stressed in a traffic jam. I made it mean that everything is bad and I’m getting stressed which means I can’t cope with stuff then I beat myself up! I realised what I was making it mean so I changed it to thinking ‘oh well’ it’s just traffic at least we live in a place where we have cars and can get around and I’m not in a rush anyway. I felt calmer and then stated to use the time to think about the good things in my life and give myself some compassion. I also smiled At others in their cars to cheer them up!
Yesterday as I was fundraising in the street, someone said to me, “No, thank you”. I thought to myself, “He doesn’t care” and before my frustration and condescending opinions could begin to kick in, I snapped myself out of it by thinking “This is not true. He might be troubled by other things or is in a hurry. Even if he really doesn’t care about others, it doesn’t mean he is a bad person or that entertaining this thought any further can benefit me”. Then I sent compassion towards him and I immediately refocused on my intent on contribution (not part of the LFP).
It did help understanding that the meaning is in my head. But at the same time its something about a universal paradigm about how women are objectified. So helped but not to a large extent where I could feel more freer. I still am feeling angry about how men objectify women. We see it everywhere. In media, on television and even family men who talk filthy about a women wearing a sexy dress. Need more help on the things that go around with gender discrimination.
Thanks.
As I lay in bed the Lefkoe process entered my mind unbidden. I have been using it to work on my confidence and my weight. A voice In my head said are you sure he is ashamed of you?
And of course I had to admit that there were alternatives; for example, he wanted a night out with the boys, as I haven’t been invited he didn’t think he should press the issue with someone at work, or he simply fancied going out without me.
My husband’s been invited to a party for someone he knows at work.
I told my husband I was excited about going and he said I wasn’t invited, it was a night out for the boys.
I got very angry. I thought my husband didn’t want me to meet his friends because I am overweight.
I stormed off to bed and I did not speak to him in the morning when he got up. Instead I lay in bed fuming
I thought of an incident that was giving me an itch for a long time. It was based on a tough conversation that I had with one of the parents of my school. However when I separated the event from the meaning that I was associating with it I came to a relaxing and peaceful condition. The Lefkoe freedom technique is indeed powerful and will be helpful in giving a positive meaning to any incident that happen in my life. I shall keep practising it
Well It is successful. Lefkoe process is somewhat related to budhism, jainism or any other meditatonal path which teaches witnessing. In Budhism it is called Samyak Drishti or balanced observation which is one of the eight fold path of Lord Budha. Witnessing means de identifying with the event and situation and identifying with the calm , serene part of our self which is not effected by outside events. I can understand that it is a useful process because it starts with remembering the events then becoming aware about the meaning we have associated and finally being aware of the calm serene witnessing self which is essentially our being for healing and transformation.
it made me remember of my master Osho to whom one asked what is meditation . The reply was Observe your body it constantly changing, Observe your thoughts and they are constantly changing, Observe your emotions and they are constantly changing, Your body , mind emotions are not same when you are 5, 15 25 or 45. But there is something inside us which does not change inside us . To be aware of that self is meditation. All meditation techniques simply make you aware of the witness inside.
Or simply put Body , mind, emotion and the ego which is our sense of self is being observed but who is the observer. I think lefkoe process at the end touches that observer and it becomes easier to dissolve negative beliefs by simply watching those beliefs from inside out.
nice tools thanks